As I prepared to give birth to my son a few months ago, I took for granted that I would breastfeed him. "At least six months," I confidently told my husband, "and up to a year if possible" -- reciting the recommendations of the American Association of Pediatrics. It never occurred to me that this might not happen; I had read all about the evidence for the benefits of breastfeeding, and wanted badly to give my son that gift.

Once I gave birth, however, various factors conspired against this noble ideal for me. I delivered my son via Ceasarean. He had a small tongue tie that went unnoticed for the first week of his life. Possibly because of the tongue tie, he was also an aggressively "chompy" eater, resulting in excruciating pain to me every time he would eat. Nonetheless, I persisted, and faithfully nursed him every 2-3 hours. He cried all the time, and I became worried when he stopped peeing; at the doctor's I was informed that he had become dehydrated in a few short days since birth because my milk supply was low, and we needed to give him formula supplements. The next few weeks were filled with an intricate dance of breastfeeding, pumping, and formula supplements. I scoured the internet for information on boosting milk supply (lactation cookie, anyone?) and followed the accepted regimen for weaning a breastfed baby from supplemental formula.

But despite my best efforts and all the power of my will, still he cried and was hungry all. The. Time. Finally, we sadly made the decision that breastfeeding was not feasible for our situation. He is now a primarily formula fed baby with some breastmilk supplementation (probably 65/35%, respectively, with effort), and is thriving far more under this regimen than ever before.

Without a doubt, I can say that feeding was the central drama of the first five weeks of my parenting experience. When I found out my son was dehydrated, I felt despondent that my body was not providing for him. I knew (and know) that exclusively breastfeeding is the best nutrition for an infant. But I felt unprepared by the medical community for what to do when exclusively breastfeeding was no longer a possibility. While I appreciate the respect shown by our medical professionals toward my wish to exclusively breastfeed, I now wish that someone would have oriented me sooner to other feeding options, and emphasized *that those were OK*. I wish that those other options did not carry such a stigma (honestly, you'd think I were feeding my baby poison instead of life-giving nutrients when I put a bottle in his mouth).

As my wise and empathetic OB told me at my post-partum appointment, "FED is best". Parents will have all sorts of reasons that breastfeeding may not work for them, medical or otherwise. Stigmatizing non-breastfeeding options or restricting the conversation to breastfeeding only does a disservice to parents, all of whom strive for the same thing: choosing safe feeding options for their babies.  

Well, it's already April, and I'm only just getting around to posting my New Year's goals. They have been written since, well, New Year's, but it turns out that there are more pressing things to do during late pregnancy and early parenthood! Here they are now; as an added bonus I can check in on my progress so far (while this might not count as a "prespecified analysis" in my line of work, the stakes are low enough here that I can do it!). 

1. Have a successful delivery of our son. My son Sam was born on January 31st after an exciting entrance into the world. I was induced a few days early after feeling decreased fetal movement, and when doctors recommended a Ceasarean following signs of fetal distress, they found his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck FOUR times. Needless to say, I feel grateful every day that this goal was met and that I have this precious boy in my life intact.

2. Keep a sense of humor in parenting. Being in charge of another human's development and survival is stressful. Being able to laugh about it seems key. I've done lots of laughing so far, and hope to maintain this in the face of mounting and conflicting obligations, which brings me to...

3. Try for work/life balance. It's been easy so far, since I'm on leave from work for another three and a half weeks. Beyond that I have no idea. Is there such a thing? I'm always up for advice from those who have come before.

4. Get back to fitness/stay active even with a baby. It will be a long road back to pre-pregnancy weight and fitness. In the meantime a more manageable goal is to stay active each week: my usual goal is to walk/run at least 15 miles. I've just been cleared to run again, so I'm gradually trying to incorporate that again into my routine. But I also want to...

5. Be kind to myself. Having a baby is hard. Having a baby, a family, a career, AND an exercise regimen feels just about insurmountable at times. So I'm trying to give myself grace about the things I can do with the energy I have.

6. Have less idle screen time. In recent months I've been realizing how much time I spend mindlessly on social media. While it is fun to stay in touch with old friends online and meet new virtual friends, I worry that I engage less with the real world as a result. My hope is that the 'new normal' will prohibit much of this. (Thus far this has not been the case; often when e.g. pumping I'm so tired that all I can muster energy for is social media.) I'd love to hear other strategies for managing social media both in terms of time and emotional energy.   

7. Double down on my core values: love, family, community, hard work, and decency. In a time and political environment where these seem in short supply, I want to bring it back to my core values. To remember who I am, outside of the outrage I feel most days reading the headlines.

Time to check in: how are you doing on your New Year's goals?